Melancholia

I'm always a bit sad when my birthday rolls around as I get older.  Well, my birthday and New Years Eve. It has to do with being in limbo these last, shoot... 7 years, or maybe I could just say my entire adult life.  And it has to do with what one of my professor's called the "Ideal Life Trajectory."  You know what that is, right? It's essentially life taking place in this order:  Birth, Elementary, Junior High, High school, followed by College, marriage/career, children, being promoted further in your career, retirement/grandchildren, die old. Irritating, right?  And I know that more people probably do NOT follow that life trajectory than do, I get that.  I mean, they may add a divorce in there, or not go to college, or have a child during their high school years.  I get that the majority of people do not follow that trajectory.  I can even say that generally speaking, I do not regret not continuing college right out of high school.  I had no idea what I wanted to become.

However, this lack of a meaningful, committed relationship is bugging the crap out of me.  THE CRAP, I tell you! And the more I've been burned, the more closed off I become so that I don't even recognize myself when meeting anyone new--male or female.  I just hide in there somewhere, annoyed with myself, but unable to coax myself out.  

So I turn 37 on Monday.  How stupid is that?  And Robin Williams killed himself this week, which has also bummed me out because he was one of my favorite comedians.  Probably my favorite, actually.  Though it could be a tie with Steve Martin.  I had to hide an ignorant facebook "friend" who is essentially an acquaintance because he made some ignorant comments about depression and basically said some horrendous things about Williams' suicide, and I was just done.  I'm done with people who do not have an empathetic thought for others.  I can't imagine being as quick as Robin was and having that running through my head all the time with probably no rest and not being somehow depressed.  The depth of sadness in the character he played in "Good Will Hunting" came from a very true place.  I hope he finds some semblance of peace.  

Don't worry friends, I'll be allright.  School starts in 10 days, and I will be too busy to care that I am single. Too busy to feel the limbo that I am in.  :) 

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