Mopey McGee

So I decided to throw my hat in the proverbial dating ring recently.  The impetus behind this--aside from my regular loneliness--revolved around a close friend essentially being led on by someone and after it was all said and done, I found myself saying to him "Don't give up on finding a meaningful relationship.  There's someone out there."  And it made me reflect on my own single situation and I thought "Why am I not taking my own advice?"  I decided to try online dating--again--despite multiple failures in the past.  I figured I had nothing to lose because I know the kinds of people to avoid based on their messages, and I also banked on the fact that I wouldn't get many responses because I lay out the fact that I am crazy busy right now attending school and working--both full time.

I had about 7 people respond almost as soon as I put up my profile, so that was encouraging.  But they were mediocre responses save for one.  I am a polite person, so I messaged people back regardless of my interest level.  If they weren't local, I told them they were too far away, but that I was flattered they had messaged at all.  I exchanged messages the first night with a guy that seemed like a decent option, but a few days later, he revealed he was a nasty person once he figured out I was in no real hurry to meet.  I want to take my time getting to know someone, first through email and then on the phone and finally in person.  I said I wanted to cultivate a friendship that could possibly turn into something more and he wrote me later and said "if you're looking for friends, you should go on Twitter and Facebook," then proceeded to call me a B____ and a C____. Nice guy, right?  Glad he revealed himself so quickly.  

Oh, another funny anecdote was a guy who had marked as his profession "entertainer", which ended up meaning that he "fixes the machines at Chuck-E-Cheese and then puts on the Chuck-E costume on the weekends."  Um.  No.  

But one guy, a very nice guy, 42, decent job, divorced with no kids, sends me nice messages back and forth, we email a few times.  The fourth or fifth email, the Thursday after we began talking on a Sunday, he asked if I would be interested in meeting and then went on to say "I understand if it's too soon, and I'm willing to wait if you want to continue emailing for awhile."  And I figured, what the hell?  What do I have to lose?  So we made plans for that Saturday and we chatted on the phone quite comfortably Friday before we met.  

One of the best first dates I have been on, if not the best.  Very polite, we met for a late lunch halfway between where we both live.  It was short and sweet, he was really nice, attractive--though not overly so.  The week after the date, he came to see me during my dinner break at work one night, again, very comfortable, easy.  He told me that he was recently divorced after 17 years of marriage, and that since he'd started dating again a lot of women had told him he was "too nice."  I was okay with this. I've dated the "charmer" and the guy that isn't quite nice enough--to me, and I'm over it.  I want someone nice.  

A few flags were thrown on the 2nd date that had me worried.  First, he just seemed blank.  He didn't really have opinions of his own, no real passions.  He loves his job, but it's not something he can talk much about that I (or anyone) would find interesting.  I started to wonder if he really knew who he was after being married for so long and divorced for such a short time.  I didn't say anything to him, I just thought he might need more time to open up and be himself.  The 3rd date was quite nice.  We just hung out at his apartment and played Scrabble.  There was a nice kiss at the end, nothing that made the earth move, but nice nevertheless.  I also worried that he didn't have enough to do during the week because he didn't seem to have close friends to hang out with.  He was close to his family, which was great, but I got the impression that he really doesn't have people to hang out with.

Now, I've mentioned I'm really busy.  I work full time, attend school full time, so during the week, I can't really get together with someone.  It's the weekends I bank on as far as getting together with someone.  But last weekend, my mom's brothers and their wives came over to go through old pictures, an activity I wanted to be here for so that I could scan said photos into Google Drive so that we all could have access to it.  I also had to work Sunday--ten hours, and just before the weekend, three of my four professors assigned lengthy homework assignments.  As a courtesy, I told him I couldn't see him that particular weekend, that it was unusual, and I was sorry.  He said he understood, and I thought it was fine.

Cut to this past Thursday, when he brought me dinner at work (which he had been doing every week--which I thought was rad), we had a nice time yet again, talking easily, getting along. We made plans for Saturday and then parted ways so I could go back to work.  

Imagine my surprise when Friday, I receive the following text: "I've been thinking a lot about something.  I like you a lot but I think our work/school schedules are so different that I'm going to have a really hard time being happy in a dating relationship until things can be more normal.  I am interested in remaining friends and hanging out together occasionally if you want and maybe we could try again as you get closer to being done with school.  I'm really sorry."  I'm so irritated, pissed and frustrated.  Why could he not tell me this in person?  I sent him an email as a response basically saying that he should have told me that in person and as far as things "returning to normal" I don't know if that will ever be since even when I'm close to finishing school, I'll have student teaching and then the first year of teaching which is supposed to be utter hell and then eventually have to get my Masters degree.  

I also told him that I had some reservations about whether he was actually ready to date, if he really knew who he was after being married for so long; but that I'd given him the benefit of the doubt and I was waiting to see how things progressed.  And that I think if he had something to do other than focus on the dating relationship (since he doesn't really have hobbies or friends to hang out with) that that's why it may have been so hard for him to deal with my schedule.  

I had this glimmer of hope that I'd finally met a guy that realized that I'm worth it, that I am a catch. Yeah, my schedule sucks.  No one can complain about my schedule more than me, seriously, but having someone/something to look forward to was really nice for the month it lasted.  And just like that it's gone.  Without warning of any kind.  After a nice dinner the night before.  And apparently, he didn't realize I'm worth it which is even more frustrating.  If he'd had the conversation with me in person, I would have told him just to date around, that it didn't have to be a committed huge thing right now, but we could build upon whatever it was anyway.  I don't have time to see other people, but it would have been fine to keep it casual in the meantime if he'd just had the conversation in person.  

He did write me back to say that I was right, that he took the coward's way out by texting me instead of having the conversation in person.  But you know, in my experience, men don't have balls these days.  They can't bear to have the difficult conversations in person.  In my dating career (which unfortunately has been extensive), I have been dumped by text, over voicemail, the disappearing act and of course, my least favorite, letting me find out the guy was cheating so I'd have to end things. Nice.  I'd like to say, when I ended relationships it was in person.  I feel that the person is owed that. It's a matter of respect.  

So back to square one. I guess.  I'm really glad my parents are out of town so I can mope around all weekend.  :)  I'll get over it, I always do.  But I'm allowed to be sad and mad at least for a weekend.